Well! An update.
I got the car back from Renault on the…31st? And happily drove it around until January 4th.
I drove it to work on January 4th and parked it in the staff car park. It was on ~80% charge when I parked it.
When I got back into it at ~5pm, the WARNING, ELECTRICAL SYSTEM and WARNING BRAKES messages popped up, and all the red lights came back on. It will not start. Between me opening the door and sitting down, the battery % display fell incrementally from ~80% to 0%.
The My Renault app pinged the car, and it was still showing at ~80% battery. Hmm.
The car park gets locked at 6pm and they couldn’t get a patrol out to rescue it in time, nor were the RAC, Renault Assist or Onto particularly interested in helping me travel the ~25miles back home that night. I managed to get a lift to the train station from a colleague.
Called Onto on the train home and explained the situation, that I no longer felt safe with this vehicle and that I would like them to swap it for a different one that has not had two electrics and brake failures within the first 1100 miles. They can get a replacement to me on Wednesday 12th. Fine.
Back in work the following day, I called the RAC to confirm they were going to attend to rescue the dead Zoe today. All good.
Patrol 1 turns up and tries to do a diagnostic. Batteries are all showing charged. None of the instruments or dash will light up, at all. Patrol 1 does a battery system reset, and the car now completely bricks itself. The parking brake is stuck on, the car will not respond to any input, it’s proper dead.
Patrol 1 can’t rescue the vehicle, it needs a flatbed. He notifies the RAC and I call Driverline to confirm. I tell them that it’s a full electric and the parking brake is stuck on and it can’t go to neutral.
Flatbed 1 turns up a couple of hours later. I explain to the driver that it is electric and completely unresponsive, and the parking brake is stuck on. He says they didn’t tell him, and that he can’t do the recovery as it’s a 2-man job, and needs 4 dollies if the parking brake is stuck.
He is a contractor and can’t arrange another vehicle himself. Flatbed 1 leaves. I call the RAC. They tell me I need to talk to Renault Assist. I talk to Renault Assist, they tell me I need to talk to the RAC. I am passed between them over and over again for an hour. Nobody can authorise onward travel for me until the Zoe is recovered, according to “policy”.
I call Onto and beg for help. I explain how unhelpful the RAC and Renault have been, how I don’t know who is supposed to be sending the recovery vehicle, the condition the vehicle is in and why it needs extra equipment, how I don’t know how I’m going to get home today, and how I just need somebody to actually help me.
Onto manage to arrange flatbed 2 to come get it. I am handed back to the RAC, to whom I explain that the car park will be locked at 6pm, that the parking brake is stuck on, that it needs 4 dollys and two people to attend to recover it.
RAC promise to have it retrieved by a contractor in the next two hours. I need to go out with my boss to a meeting, I ask them to get my keys from the security guard when they arrive and just take it away. They agree.
I get back from the meeting at 5pm, and the Zoe is still there. Flatbed 2 never turned up, they attempted to ring me despite me explaining I was unavailable and to talk to the security office.
I call the RAC again and basically cry down the phone at the poor lad, asking for someone to just help me. He gets flatbed 3 arranged to come round within half an hour, escalates my onward travel issues to the appropriate team, and hands me over to them. They take my details and say they should be able to organise a taxi home for me, and that the emergency travel team will call me back in a minute.
Flatbed 3 turns up. They do not have 4 dollys. The description of the fault they were passed was “short tow”. They try and override the parking brake to get it into neutral, calling several other patrols and a technical contact for help, and nobody knows how to do it. I call Renault and see if they can offer technical help. Renault tell me to charge the battery and press the brake pedal, because they do not understand “The car is completely unresponsive and roadside assistance suspect a module has failed”.
Flatbed 3 gives up trying to get any damn help with this situation, and they decide to move their truck around to be as close as possible, and just drag the car onto it and hope they don’t flatspot the rear tyres in the process.
They get it on to the truck. Tyres are fine.
RAC emergency onward travel team have not called me back. Flatbed 3 say they don’t expect them to do so as authorisation for long taxi rides takes hours to obtain. They ask if I want a lift to the station, I agree, and get the train home again.
I check my email on the train, and Onto have charged me another £400 hire charge, and the fifty quid delivery fee to replace the dangerously faulty Zoe with a different one next Wednesday.
On the bright side, my local Enterprise branch have FINALLY got authorisation to get me a loaner vehicle, two days after the breakdown occurred.
Honestly I just want to cry.